How to Stop Seeking External Validation (From Someone Who Used to Need a Gold Star for Everything)
I wish I could tell you I’ve always been one of those effortlessly confident people who just knows her worth and floats through life like a self-assured angel. Yeah… no.
For most of my life, I was basically a walking “Is this okay??” button. I needed reassurance like other people need water. If someone didn’t respond to my text fast enough, I convinced myself I had ruined their life. If I posted something online and it didn’t perform well, I considered deleting my entire digital existence and moving to the mountains.
The worst part? I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I thought I was just being “nice” or “considerate,” when really I was outsourcing my self-worth to pretty much anyone with a heartbeat.
So if you’re in that same place, caring way too much about what other people think, I see you. I’ve lived there. I even decorated the walls.
Here’s what helped me start shifting out of it (and no, it didn’t involve becoming a different person or suddenly not caring about anything. Caring is a super power).
1. I Asked Myself One Question: “Would I Still Do This If No One Knew About It?”
This question was a game changer.
I used to do things because I wanted people to think I was impressive, interesting, successful, put-together… basically everything except “a real human being who sometimes eats cereal for dinner.”
When I started asking myself this question:
Would I still post this if no one liked it?
Would I still choose this career path if it didn’t earn praise?
Would I still wear this if no one complimented it?
…it forced me to reconnect with myself. My actual preferences. My actual desires.
Spoiler: I did not know my actual preferences for a long time. I even still sometimes catch myself needing to connect further with them. It's a journey, not a destination.
This question helped me start choosing things for me, not for the imaginary audience in my head.
2. I Noticed How Often I Apologized for Literally Everything
I once apologized to a chair after bumping into it. A chair.
That was my “maybe I’m seeking too much external approval” wake-up call.
If you’re constantly apologizing, over-explaining, or trying to “soften” every move you make so people stay comfortable, that’s validation-seeking energy.
I started practicing saying what I actually meant, without a 7-sentence disclaimer before it.
Did it feel weird at first? Yes.
Did I survive? Also yes.
3. I Stopped Letting My Imagination Bully Me
People who seek validation usually have very creative imaginations. Mine was out of pocket.
If someone didn’t respond to my text right away, I made up an entire storyline about how they were mad at me, disappointed, reconsidering our friendship, writing a formal complaint letter, etc.
Then I realized something wild:
People have lives.
Not everyone is refreshing their messages like they’re waiting for the Taylor Swift album drop.
Once I stopped assuming the worst, I felt less like a fragile balloon floating through the world hoping no one popped me.
4. I Started Celebrating Myself, Even for the Small Stuff
This one felt cringe at first, but actually changed my self-esteem the most.
I started celebrating tiny wins:
“I went on a walk today!”
“I said no to something I didn’t want to do!”
“I did not spiral after someone liked my text but didn’t reply!”
When you start giving yourself internal validation, you stop craving external approval as badly.
It’s like rewiring your brain to think:
Oh! I can trust myself. I can praise myself. I don’t need someone else to vote on my choices.
5. I Used Gratitude to Ground Myself (Yes, Actually)
Hear me out - I know everyone says “practice gratitude.”
But it’s not about being some perfect, glowing gratitude goddess.
For me, it became a way to stop comparing.
When I wrote down what I appreciated about my own life — my people, my body, my home, my opportunities, my growth — I stopped needing strangers or social media to tell me I was doing enough.
It made me feel more rooted, less shaky.
More like me again.
This is actually one of the reasons I created my gratitude journal — because focusing on what’s already good helps you detach from needing someone else to approve of you.
You Don’t Have to Stop Caring , You Just Have to Start Caring About Yourself More
Sometimes we think the only way to stop seeking validation is to become that “I don’t care what anyone thinks” person.
But that’s not the goal.
You can care. You’re human.
You just don’t need to let the opinions of others steer your entire life.
Little by little, you start trusting yourself more.
You start choosing what feels aligned.
You start realizing that approval hits different when it comes from within.
And the most freeing part?
When you stop chasing validation, you actually become the version of you that people admire anyway - confident, grounded, and unapologetically yourself.